| Just a quiet, peaceful dance for the things we'll never have. |
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| Things are not going so well. |
[16 Oct 2006|10:23pm] |
I made an agreement. Alli told me that she needed some time to feel 'single'. There are a number of reasons. First one being just that she's afraid that maybe I'm not really the coolest guy ever for her right now, and whats to take some time to meet new people. Its harder to meet people when you're in a relationship, because guys kind of sense it and keep away. Also, I've taken up so much of her 'real' teenage life, that she hasn't had any time to feel like the kind of teenager that society and media tell us we should be.
When she first brought it up, it seemed alright, and I completely understood, and I had no problem with it, at that point I could not really figure out how I felt, but I knew that I loved her, and wanted to help her.
However, very recently things have changed a lot. From her standpoint, she's happy, she's getting tons of time to romp around with friends, meet people, go to parties, get drunk, act obnoxious and have fun, which is awesome, and there's nothing wrong with that. She's getting to feel independent again and it's good. I did not realize though the stipulations of her feeling independent, when this first started. I basically have to deal with the feeling that I am not loved, because she is trying so hard to keep herself from acting upon her natural feelings to express her love to me, to show affection and sympathy. Whether this feeling is true or not, I have to feel it, and it hurts a lot.
It is almost worse than a breakup itself, because if we were to just break up, we'd have been upset together, we'd be feeling sympathy and doing all we can do make things hurt less, but that's not happening. I am alone with my feelings, where as she is having the time of her life, and that is very painful. We'd also both be accepting that it was over. In this situation, however, she's making herself feel that it ended, and she's on her own, and I am stuck feeling devoted, in love, and in pain.
I don't know how to deal with this kind of feeling exactly. Especially because I feel so pathetic and weak if I bring it up with her, and seek sympathy. It makes her feel guilty, so she either tries to show me sympathy which makes things slightly harder for both of us, or she does not acknowledge it, or angers her, which hurts twice as much for me.
This would have been easier if I were in high school, maybe also if it hadn't happened right when a lot of the other people I hang out with all go off to college. As things are though, I'm just at home, or at montco, and that's it. It's depressing me to no end.
That's not it though. Seeing how much she's having the time of her life just puts a bunch of awful ideas in my head. I start questioning her reasons, I start the stupid game of feeling like she must not really care, because she's acting like she doesn't care. Then it gets twice as confusing, when I start thinking.. Maybe she's not even acting, and how could I possibly find out, when her showing me sympathy only makes things harder for her? It seems like there really is nothing I can do except wait, and waiting is killing me.
There was a time when I could easily tell that this was hard for her, and it was hard for me, and that brought me solace. I did not want to struggle alone, but now it is easy for her because she has plenty of things to keep her occupied. I was not prepared for this at all, but it was the absolute perfect time to do it for herself. I don't know if I should feel like she's selfish, or if those are just more pointless negative emotions. All of the emotions that she was afraid I would feel, that I told her I would not feel, are all coming out. I'm feeling used. I'm attached to her, but she is free. I am waiting for her to come back, if she decides to, simply because I love her. Hope has killed me in previous relationships, but there is nothing else I can do but hope. If you are lost, sit still, until someone finds you, or you could get yourself more lost, ESPECIALLY without having any direction in the first place. That is how I feel, and it hurts, and it is not fair, but maybe it is necessary.
Wish me luck.
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[18 Jun 2006|12:05am] |
One thing that's annoying about not following the standard flow of teenage life, and graduating with my class, is just that friends of mine who may be two or three years younger, more judgemental, more closed minded, will still look down on me. It may seem like it's a judgment to say that age has that much influence, but don't take it as a judgement. It's safe to say that at an age as young as 19, every single year that we exist, we develop a great deal.
Now, the reason why this is so annoying, is because it's pretty hard to respect someone you look down on, and it's pretty hard enjoying social life when some of your closest, or shall I say 'longest' friends don't respect you.
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[04 Apr 2006|11:16pm] |
This is for Alli. I guess I'll let other people do it if they honestly want to... Ugh.
Fill out all the entries, if you don't know make something up!
My name:
Who is the love of my life:
Where did we meet:
Take a stab at my middle name:
How long have you known me:
When is the last time that we saw each other:
Do I smoke:
Do I drink:
What was your first impression of upon meeting me/seeing me:
Do I have any siblings:
What's one of my favorite things to do:
Am I funny:
What's my favorite type of music:
What is the best feature about me:
Am I shy or outgoing:
Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
Do I have any special talents:
Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what):
Have you ever hugged me:
Do you miss me...do you think i miss you:
What is my favorite food:
Have you ever had a crush on me:
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:
What's your favorite memory of me:
Who do I like right now:
What is my worst habit:
If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing I would bring?
Are we friends:
Do you want us to be more than friends?
Will you repost this so I can do it for you?
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[18 Mar 2006|01:29am] |
Something really hilarious happened the other day.
I was sitting in music class, we were watching some thing on The Who, I wasn't paying too much attention. The music teacher, Hoagy Wing, said "We should play so-and-so song." I said "By who?" he said "yes."
For a second or two, we both sat there dumbfounded, he thinking that I had asked him if it was a 'The Who' song, and I thinking he just told me it was a 'Yes' song.
Then I said something like "Yes?" and said "No, who." and then I said "..."
We both laughed for about 10 minutes then, when we figured it out.
Then somebody said "Who's on first?" and yeah yeah yeah.
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[16 Mar 2006|11:02pm] |
Here's an update for all of you eager fans.
Thanks to an insane amount of music pirating and sharing, I have broadened my musical horizons a great deal in the past month or so, it feels great. Not only have I been introduced to Tom Waits, in part by Jimbo, Alex Dodge, and Moxy Fruvous, but I have also started going back and listening to the Pixies. Both of these are absolutely amazing.
I recently played at a benefit concert, with Mike and Dan, you all know that. It was absolutely amazing. I feel a bit like I got much more out of it than my band mates, but I'm not sure. It was definitely an incredible release of tension. Not only did it feel great, but it kicked me into overdrive musically. I got another gig, playing at my school prom, a 45 minute set. That is going to be so amazing, I can't even describe it. Making people dance feels incredible. Making people have a great time, and have a good memory, means more to me than like, I don't know, something that someone else would consider a lot cooler than making people have a great time.
I have two major problems right now, regarding this stuff. First of all, do we need a band name? All we do is covers! Cover bands don't have names, do they? Help me out guys, we need a name.
Second problem is the fact that I am actually unable to write songs just because I think I try too hard to be innovative. Everything has already done, and I can't get past this mental block that is saying "You can't write a song that is just G-C-D, you will be -insert name of random folk songwriter-. I need to embrace these roots, and write songs. That's my current long-term goal, write some damn songs.
My hand hurts from typing, more later.
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[07 Mar 2006|04:37pm] |
http://www.infusioncoffeeandtea.com/calendar.cfm?mode=event&cd_cdid=104
THAT'S THE WEBSITE WITH THE INFORMATION ABOUT THE CONCERT ON IT!
Help send a group of local students to New York City to help feed the homeless. Support this cause by attending the "DON'T BE GREEDY, GIVE TO THE NEEDY" benefit concert.
All proceeds go towards sending students to volunteer with the esteemed Bowery Mission, whose ultimate goal is to rehabilitate the homeless. Additional profit will be donated to the Bowery Mission and their admirable program.
Friday MARCH 10TH
6pm-10pm
Suggested Donation: $10
Performances by:
Jesse Schurr Band
Osiris WildFire
Bjorn
Hoagy Wing
Uncle Magic
ClockRadio
Crunk Junk
BlindFish
Steve and Friends
Ryan Benner
Kalhil Overton
We are "Steve and friends." xD
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| Benefit Concert, March 10th. |
[27 Feb 2006|10:06pm] |
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There's going to be a benefit concert that my school is putting on, near Chestnut Hill. It's in the 'Infusion Coffeee House' or something, I'll found out more about it. Anyway, Mike, Dan and I will be playing there. Tickets are 10 dollars at the door or 7 dollars pre-ordered. 6:00 - 10:00. I don't know when we're going to be on, I'll find that out later. And directions and stuff. Leave a comment or talk on AIM if you are interested! It's going to be awesome. well WE are anyway.
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[01 Feb 2006|02:45pm] |
The other day something incredibly beautiful happened.
Argh. Nevermind. I just took about half an hour trying to describe it, but I can't, especially not in words. Trust me though guys, it was beautiful.
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[22 Jan 2006|09:20pm] |
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Alli is in a 'bathroom mood'
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[22 Jan 2006|09:11pm] |
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okay jerks. kill my fun.
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| Magical Mystery Tour |
[12 Jan 2006|03:32am] |
I don't understand. That album is an absolute fucking masterpiece, the
movie even emphasizes it. There's something so mystical about it.
Something very subtly sad, but no kind of sad that anyone could really
ever feel anything about. It's just hovering there. It doesn't make you said, it just is
sad. I don't get it. That's not even a fraction of
it. I know that all of the Beatles were on some pretty
heavy drugs when they made the album, and the movie. I've watched
a number of movies that were made by people on heavy drugs. They
were all terrible. They were awesome only to the people who made
them, because they were on heavy drugs.
But.. with Magical Mystery Tour.. I don't know, I've seen it a few
times, and every time I watch it, for whatever reason, maybe a month
later, I just about completely forget 90% of what happens in the entire
movie. I know for a fact, that when someone is on (at least)
marijuana, it's really hard to remember much about the things they
do. It's like a struggle to remember. That's how I felt a
few months after watching Magical Mystery Tour. Someone
asks you if you've seen it, you think.. "Have I? I have no idea, it's
sitting in my basement so I'm sure I've seen it.. but what the hell?
What the hell happened in it? There was this bus... some music.. then
what? Damnit!"
That's not even why it's good. It's good becayse The Beatles made
it. That might even just be why it's so damn mystical. Just
the idea that these people ever existed, and here you are watching
them. Dan, I don't know if you've seen it, I think maybe not, in
which case, I really want to watch it with you, really soon.
And that song. "Your Mother Should Know" ...What the
hell. It's one of the creepiest, simplest, strangest songs I've
ever heard. I have no idea why. It makes me cry. It's insane, I
don't understand it, I can't understand it at all. My head is
going to explode just thinking about it. Gragahhhhrgh
More later. ..Maybe.
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[11 Jan 2006|05:03am] |
I really need to start monitering how much I use the word 'Anyway'. I looked back a few entries, in the one, it started just about every single paragraph. Maybe I just get sidetracked too much...
By the way, I started updating my journal more in the first place just so that Alli would have something to do when she's not busy in school. Hi Alli!
I need to drive drive drive drive drive drive drive drive work work work work work work work work work learn learn learn learn learn learn learn learn learn learn learn.
Hooray for momentum. Too bad this isn't half-life and I can't just bring down the console with the ~ key and set physics like gravity, speed and momentum. Ahh.. I loved being god. Who the hell am I talking to? Nobody who reads my LJ has ever played Half-Life, except Mike. Hi Mike.
This is seriously really lame and I might hit 'back' instead of enter. But then again, why the hell not. It will help keep my up all night.
I'm so tired.
Bye.
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[11 Jan 2006|04:40am] |
It's about 4:00 AM now. I guess I can't sleep, I guess I want to
try to stay up all night, to sleep easier the next night. I just
finished reading the novel my dad wrote. It was good, very good,
I enjoyed it a lot. Some parts were strange because it was so
reminiscent of his life that it was hard to decipher fact from fiction,
since I only knew some things about his childhood beforehand. It
reminded me of Catcher in the Rye a lot, but that's not hard to do.
Whenever I think about myself sitting still, I find that I am very
slightly rocking back and forth. What does that mean? Even now as
I type, it's weird.
Anyway... I liked my dad's book, it was sad though. It tried to
have a positive ending but I see him now, and I know what happened, and
I can't get it out of my head that this book isn't about him it's about
'Vincent Tabesco'. I really don't know what to do. I'm staring
blankly. I'm not tired, I'm just completely overcome by a really
strange feeling. I'm completely entranced by this crazy idea of
going back and walking around all of the places that contributed to how
my teenage life was constructed. Music camp, Tinicum, junior high
school, I don't know. All of these places where I made all of
these ties, I created all of these futures for myself and then just
completely flatlined socially, leaving them all there to rot in my head
with no solace.
I've got this horrible image in my mind of going back to music camp,
right now, in this moment, and walking around there trying to find and
fix my own memories, although it isn't even music camp. It's some
wasteland, everybody's gone, my friends are nowhere, it's snowing, it's
4:00 AM, and there I am walking around in pajama pants and a 'Hawaiian
Punch' t-shirt looking for the end of it.
But still in my screwed up head none of it ended. There's still a
part of me sitting there playing guitar on the hill. There's
still a part of me walking around junior high, being social and
enjoying myself with no thought of the future. There's still a part of
me at Tinicum, not talking much and keeping to my own thoughts.
There's still a part of me going to Wyncote on a van with a weird old
man, everyday, telling girls there that I still have a girlfriend just
to hide my emotions and so that I don't have to tell anyone that I
don't want a relationship. Hell, there are parts of me at places
I don't even remember. All the houses I've lived at, every place I've
visited. None of these places have ever found an end in my head,
and that's the only thing that ever gets to me, and that's the reason I
am so dreadfully afraid of ending anything at all.
Reading my dad's book brought out that whole sickly image in the first
place. He went to a music camp just as I did, he found love
there, he went off on a bunch of journeys in his head and eventually,
he came back. He bought a coat from a thrift store, took a bus and
bought some scotch with the last of his money and went back to music
camp, at 5:00 in the morning, where he wandered around in a graveyard
of memories. That horrified me and won't leave my head. I'm
so afraid of the future.
But damnit. I can't let it bring me down. I won't allow
myself to get depressed by it. Sure, I'm sad, but that comes and
goes. I've tried as hard as I can to attach myself to whatever I
can, so that I could not fall back to where I have previously
been. Too many things keep me where I am, and I am grateful for
them. Alli, of all the things keeping me afloat, you're the
biggest and most substantial one. Please don't give up on me. I
just don't know if I can do it myself yet, but that time will
come. It's within my reach, and that's why I've felt so good
lately. I can see, in the future, the time when I can support
myself mentally, keep myself afloat, and that will.. just be
magnificant.
I'm going to stop writing now, but since I'm going to be awake for another 15 or so hours, I'll maybe write something else.
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| Jennifer |
[11 Jan 2006|12:41am] |
A while back I played this dumb mmorpg called Tibia. It's not dumb because it wasn't fun, it's dumb because it was addicting and a waste of time. From time to time I still get on MSN Messenger to talk to some of my old longlasting friends of Tibia, mostly adults, who I still like to keep in touch with. A while back, maybe 3 yeas ago, I met a lady named Jennifer, she was 38 at the time, and had just started what would be a very long battle with cancer. We became friends, she was really nice, she inspired and motivated me in a number of ways. She had been through a whole lot in her days, and she still smiled, and she just made me feel positive about the future. I really enjoyed talking to her. Anyway, I went on MSN to check up on my friends today, and found out that she passed away in November. I guess I really don't know what to say now. I guess there is a lot I would like to say to her, but of course I can't.
I hardly knew her but it doesn't change what she did for me. I respected her more than anyone really. We talked many times just about how things work, and no matter what depressing ideas I would throw at her, she would always make me realize I was wrong, and life isn't so bad after all. To be able to convince me of that while she was dying herself is a pretty magnificant thing, I think. She has done a lot for me, I don't think she ever knew it, but she certainly did. Now I just wish that I could tell her.
It's a hard thing though, to lose someone like this, and not even know what to do about. I mean of course it's hard to lose someone, but I will never be able to visit her grave, talk to her relatives, look at her pictures, read her writings, or anything like that. In the position I am in, she was Jennifer, and now she is gone. I really had no other ties to her, and now that she is gone I feel I need to chain down every feeling I've ever had about her, so that I won't ever lose them.
Well, I feel better just writing about it, but I just wish I had some sort of solace. Don't worry about me though, I'll be okay. This can only make me want to give her the honor of getting through my own troubles and living my life as best I can.
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[09 Jan 2006|02:54am] |
Jack Thomspon
Jack Thompson is an idiot.
I don't know how many people are very up to date on Jack Thompson, or
how many of you even know who he is. I'm making this post to bring him
to your attention.
Here's a quote from Wikipedia;
'John Bruce "Jack" Thompson (born July 23, 1950) is a Miami,
Florida-based attorney at law often cited in the media for his
conservative views on the effects of obscenity and violence in popular
media. He grew up in Cleveland, Ohio. He is a 1976 JD graduate of
Vanderbilt University School of Law and has practiced as a medical
malpractice attorney in Florida since 1977.'
He's been leading a campaign against violence and mature content in
videogames like Grand Theft Auto, and similarly mature games, and the
fact that these games could easily be sold to or be obtained by
minors. He's been doing as much as he can to cripple videogame
industries who have been putting out violent or mature videogames.
I first found out about him through one of my favorite websites, www.Penny-Arcade.com
As it happened, Jack Thompson was so fed up with violence in
videogames, that he offered to donate 10,000 dollars charity to
whichever charity Paul Eibeler, the CEO of Take Two (Publisher of Grand
Theft Auto; San Andreas) wished, only if someone would make a game with
his own unique specifications.
As written by Jack Thompson:
The video game industry says Sticks and stones can break my bones, but games can never hurt me. Fine. I have a modest proposal for the video game industry. I'll write a check for $10,000 to the favorite charity of Take-Two Interactive Software, Inc's chairman, Paul Eibeler - a man Bernard Goldberg ranks as #43 in his book 100 People Who Are Screwing Up America - if any video game company will create, manufacture, distribute, and sell a video game in 2006 like the following:
Osaki Kim is the father of a high school boy beaten to death with a baseball bat by a 14-year-old gamer. The killer obsessively played a violent video game in which one of the favored ways of killing is with a bat. The opening scene, before the interactive game play begins, is the Los Angeles courtroom in which the killer is sentenced "only" to life in prison after the judge and the jury have heard experts explain the connection between the game and the murder.
Osaki Kim (O.K.) exits the courtroom swearing revenge upon the video game industry whom he is convinced contributed to his son's murder. "Vengeance is mine, I will repay" he says. And boy, is O.K. not kidding.
O.K. is provided in his virtual reality playpen a panoply of weapons: machetes, Uzis, revolvers, shotguns, sniper rifles, Molotov cocktails, you name it. Even baseball bats. Especially baseball bats.
O.K. first hops a plane from LAX to New York to reach the Long Island home of the CEO of the company (Take This) that made the murder simulator on which his son's killer trained. O.K. gets "justice" by taking out this female CEO, whose name is Paula Eibel, along with her husband and kids. "An eye for an eye," says O.K., as he urinates onto the severed brain stems of the Eibel family victims, just as you do on the decapitated cops in the real video game Postal2.
O.K. then works his way, methodically back to LA by car, but on his way makes a stop at the Philadelphia law firm of Blank, Stare and goes floor by floor to wipe out the lawyers who protect Take This in its wrongful death law suits. "So sue me" O.K. spits, with singer Jackson Brown's 1980's hit Lawyers in Love blaring.
With the FBI now after him, O.K. keeps moving westward, shooting up high-tech video arcades called GameWerks. "Game over," O.K. laughs.
Of course, O.K. makes the obligatory runs to virtual versions of brick and mortar retailers Best Buy, Circuit City, Target, and Wal-Mart to steal supplies and bludgeon store managers and cash register clerks. "You should have checked kids' IDs!"
O.K. pushes on to Los Angeles. He must get there by May 10, 2006. That is the beginning of "E3" -- the Electronic Entertainment Expo -- the Super Bowl of the video game industry. O.K. must get to E3 to massacre all the video game industry execs with one final, monstrously delicious rampage.
How about it, video game industry? I've got the check and you've got the tech. It's all a fantasy, right? No harm can come from such a game, right? Go ahead, video game moguls. Target yourselves as you target others. I dare you.
I suppose his idea for this was some sort of sick joke, and perhaps a
test to see how far video game companies will go to make money.
As it turns out, a variety of online modders and programmers came out
with a number of different text based games, flash games, and even a
GTA; San Andreas mod called "Defamation of Character: A Jack Thompson
Murder Simulator" That involved just what Jack had asked for.
Here are a few of the games if you are interested;
Zork Thompson
Jack Thompson Presents... OSAKI
Modest Videogame
Golden Rule
"Thompson now claims that his repellent suggestion was "satire," and we must conclude that his financial offer was also satire, some new breed of satire apparently that I'm sure is just hilarious to people in need." -Penny-Arcade.
Mike Krahulik and Jerry Holkins, the creaters of Penny-Arcade, then
decided to take up his offer, and actually donate the 10k themselves, in Jack Thompson's name.
Here's the full document explaining the situation and outcome of the event:
http://www.penny-arcade.com/2005/10/17
(It's awesome.)
Help out Penny-Arcade by supporting the cause!
Buy the "I Hate Jack Thompson" T-shirt!
Thanks for reading. If you want more information on this ask me,
I'll give you the links to the websites with the really juicy stuff.
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[30 Dec 2005|12:50am] |
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I've had a 'not-happy' entry around for way too long. So whoever rarely reads this livejournal might get the idea that I'm doing badly. I'm not. I'm doing very well. I got my permit, I had a great christmas, I'm seeing my friends more, I'm feeling positive energy, momentum, and motivation. Those are all very good things that I lacked very much previously. Hopefully I can graduate this year.
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| Answers? |
[07 Oct 2005|01:10pm] |
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I can't deal with this. I'm getting worse and worse. For a few days, last week, things seemed so clear. I could see ahead of me. I could see a month, 5 months, even a year ahead of me. And because of that, I felt incredible. I was not depressed. I was so happy. Every single thing about me changed for the better. Now everything is back to shit. I have no idea what tomorrow even holds, and now, on top of that, Alli brings up the fact that within the year, she'd like to find a college in washington, or oregon, or some far off state where I will never be able to see her, and thus, she was thinking about just letting go of me. That's fine, I mean I'm for whatever is good for her future, but I guess I shouldn't ignore what I might need, for my own emotions, so that I don't feel as low as I do now.
School. God damnit. I felt so good for a bit because I had plans for school, I had an idea. Now I don't, it was blown away. But fuck that. I need to just go there and deal with their shit and if I screw up than I'll get my G.E.D over the summer, or something. I need to just go to school on monday, and go back to how things were last year, going to school, doing what I need to do, whatever. And just thinking about this gives me a little bit of motivation, a little bit of happiness, a little bit of an escape from depression, but damnit. I don't know. I just can't deal with this. I can't deal with things changing. I have separation anxiety. Part of me never wants anything about school to change. I want to just keep having fun and going to school and laughing and never have anything go anywhere, and just have the security of knowing that things will always be this way. Part of me is absolutely terrified of everything changing. All of the pressure. In fact, this is the exact reason why I have so much trouble at the end of the year. Because it's everything I've done during the year coming to an end, and part of me never wants it to end, because I am so afraid of how it will end. I'm so afraid that it will end wrong.
The first time this happened was in 6th grade, I believe. The end of the year snuck up on me, and hit me, and school was over, and in my head, I guess it never felt like it ended. Somewhere, inside me, 6th grade is still looping around, playing in my head, it has never had any closure. For that reason, for weeks into the summer, after 6th grade ended, I literally dreamt each night of a different last day of school. Each night something different happened that ended the year, I guess my brain was trying to find solace, and since the real world did not give it to me, it sought it out in dreams. The dreams stopped, but I guess the feeling never ended. So every year since then I've had this terrible fear of the end of the school year, or the end of summer, or the end of anything. Throughout junior high school, at the end of the year, things got awful for me, I barely scraped by, and then, in 9th grade, I just shut down. I ended up being moved to tinicum. I liked it there a lot, and did alright, but then at the end of the year, my anxiety hit me full force, I couldn't bear ending the year, so I stayed home, and I did nothing. I played videogames, I sat around, I consumed. I think that I told myself in my head that the reason I was doing this was because my first big girlfriend, Catherine, had recently broken up with me. But in reality, I didn't care, I wish I could have cared, but I didn't. I felt awful for not caring. But damnit, I just couldn't care. I guess I didn't know what was good for me. I guess now that I was miserable while dating Catherine.
Anyway, while I was gone from reality, I guess a big part of me was wishing that I could just keep my world from spinning if I just left it for a while. I had my friends, I had dan, I had andy, I had people I knew, they were all there in my head, exactly the same as they had always been when I left school, and that's just how I wanted them all, in my head. I felt like if I just left the world, I could come back whenever I was ready, and resume things exactly how they were before I left.
Anyway, then I went to Wyncote, where basically I was a different person. I was completely shut to everyone there. I hardly did anything at all. A girl developed a crush on me, I ended up telling her that I was still going out with Catherine, just to not have to tell her that I wasn't interested in her at all, because I wasn't. I wasn't interested in anyone. Near the end of the year, I felt very sick one day. I used it as an excuse to not go to school for about a week. Then my anxiety took over. I could not finish the year, I was terrified of ending the year, so I stayed home. I did nothing. I played videogames. I consumed.
Over the summer, nothing much happened. There was a big fiasco about my stomach problems where I went and had lots of tests done on me to see why I kept feeling so awful. I didn't feel that bad physically. It was mental, I was so depressed, I had no idea though.
Anyway, let me back track a bit. Earlier in the school year, I had been talking to my friend Leo, and he said that this girl Alli who he knows from youth group is funny and laughs at anything. He gave me her screen name, I said some weird stuff, she laughed at anything. For a bit, we developed a sort of friendship. We talked about the beatles on the computer, had some neat conversations, then near the end of the year I became pretty unavailable. There was a point, over the summer, however, where in a complete mental daze, I went online, saw her online, and told her that it may sound very strange but that I was in love with her. It freaked her out, as it would freak any out, since I had hardly talked to her, and also hadn't talked to her in a very long time. I don't know what had come over me.
Anyway, about halfway through the summer, my friend Leo invited me to a party, where a beatles cover band would be, I thought that sounded very cool, I went, and I met Alli there for the first time in person. It was a fun day. I thought she was kind of shy, which was very odd for how hyper and open she seemed on the computer. By far, the strangest part of the entire summer, however, was that night, we were jumping in a big moon bounce thingy, and I was being oddly quiet, Leo and her were jumping, they were in some sort of a relationship at the time. I was watching them, and for some reason, was nearly in tears. For some reason, I felt as though a big part of my life were missing. As if something had eluded me a very long time ago but was somehow there with me right then standing before me completely unrecognizable but more important at the time than I could ever imagine. I later learned, that it was Alli. I later found that she was exactly what my life needed, I saw her again at the folk fest, I watched her, with sparkling eyes, and all of the romantic rubbish. Days later I told her told her that I was falling in love with her, only to freak her out a second time. Eventually, we began dating, and, well, basically, she diverted me from suicide that summer.
Anyway, filled with my new excitement for life, I realized that I really, really, desperately needed to be back in public school, where my friends are, where I can be accepted by people, where I belong. I went back to public school, and just had a great time. Last year was just great. But now, thinking back on it, it was also so depressing. Just seeing all of my friends, seeing all of the people I knew, but suddenly they were completely different, they did not fit the images in my head. It was a huge blow to my mind to have everything suddenly changed. But anyway, I really didn't mind it that much. I had a fun year, but when it reached the end, the anxiety came again. No matter how wonderful a year I'd had, it still hit me full force, I became depressed, I stopped going to school, I could not face the end of the year. I had passed out a few times, used that as an excuse as to why I needed to stay home, or something, I don't even remember. I just couldn't do it though. Fortunately, there was homebound, which was good, and kept me from completely failing the year.
Now. This year is my senior year of high school. Just in the first week, I was depressed. All of the people who were my classmates, were out of school, only a few friends remained, luckily, a few of them were my close friends, like dan and leo, though I hardly see leo. A few weeks into school, my schedule was messed up, I was thrown into classes full of idiots. I can't learn with idiots. I can't have a positive high school experience with idiots. I broke down. Separation anxiety hit me harder than it ever has because this is the final year, after this, I can't even look forward to another year, it's gone, and I have a horrible fear of the unknown future. Of what my life holds. Sometimes, I can feel it, I can look around a room, and feel this terrible entity that I guess is just the future closing in on me, crushing me. It's awful. How can I not be depressed, how can I look forward to anything when I can't even see past tomorrow. I don't have any plans. I can't imagine making any. I don't want to dedicate myself to a certain path, I'd have to throw away a million other paths to do so. I can't do that. So I've pretty much explained my whole teenage life up to the present. Here I am, terribly afraid of what the future holds. Completely halted because of it. All this time I just wish I could have made the world stop turning. And now, even with all of this, Alli may be going to college very far away. I can't stop her, I wouldn't want to stop her, what is good for her, is good for her, and if she has happy, I'll be happy for her. But I don't know if I'll be able to be happy for myself. She's such a great girl, and I guess that without her I'd be even more lost than I am now. I don't know. I shouldn't even think about it.. I guess. I've told her I'd wait for her, I'd do whatever she wanted, and I will. I'm not one to let go, but if that's what she thinks she needs to do, I can't and won't complain. I just hope I am able to save myself if the outcome of all of this is negative for me.
Well, I guess that is enough to keep the people who read this up to date. Sorry for taking so much time away from you to read this. In case you were expecting some witty catch phrase to turn the whole entry into some hilarious romp. Or some sort of moral to live by. No, the only thing at the end of this entry is the end.
The End.
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| I wasn't done |
[12 Aug 2005|10:18pm] |
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Hanging out with Dan yesterday and today(Ahh, that's the beatles album with the butchered baby dolls on the front.. Yestderday and Today). Uh, anyway, hanging out with Dan yesterday and today, I felt very.. Neat. I can't explain it. Alli, you know that I love you, and that I love our relationship, but it did feel really good to talk with Dan, to address issues that weren't my own, and to be in the company of a really cool person who isn't also my girlfriend. I mean, for the past month or so nothing has really come up in my life that wasn't about my life. But it felt great to shift my own sights off of myself for a bit and have something else to talk about. I know that makes me sound pretty selfish, or something, but that's not what I'm saying. I guess I'm saying that I just love talking to people and trying to help them figure out their problems. It makes me feel good about myself, and I hope that I do in fact help.
That's all.
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[12 Aug 2005|08:18pm] |
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music |
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...The beatles. |
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Let's see. Wow. I had a whole lot to say, only hours ago, but it wasn't even clear in my own head. First of all, The Beatles are just absolutely amazing. I really don't even know what to say. No really. This is the most trouble I've ever had trying to get thoughts out of my head. I'm just going to completely let loose and ramble.
When I listen to The Beatles, I can't help but feel overwhelmed by just the immense power that they possess. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to think, I don't know what to feel. Like my emotions are just completely paralyzed. I've been listening to some of John's later stuff, and-. I lost that thought. Nevermind. Anyway. I have no idea what the hell I am talking about. The Beatles make me want to-. I lost that one too. I can't do this. I can't analyze The Beatles. It's not possible. They are something much bigger, much more intricate than my mind could ever organize into words. The fact that two of them are still alive and live in the same world that I do just..I have no idea. God damnit. I'm going to shut up. I love The Beatles.
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[08 Aug 2005|10:04pm] |
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Here's another crazy chain of random ideas and thoughts from my tangled mind.
Everything in life, all that it is worth, everything that pleases us, and everything that gives us satisfaction, is based on the roots of our natural instincts. The very things that make us human, really. Take for example, sex. Sex is human nature. Sex is reproduction, pleasure, comfort, passion, and more. That's humanity. There's a lot about that I could get in to, but I won't right now. Right now my main concern is only one part of it. It's too big a thing to analyze all at once.
Anyway; The idea that everything in life is base on our natural instincts, sex being one of them.
So now let me anaylze sex, in the perspective that I will use only for this part of the writing; Growing tension, and then a moment of incredible pleasure.
So what has that got to do with anything in our lives? Everything! Our entire life is a quest to get higher and higher in whatever ladder it is we choose to clime, until we reach the peak. Even simple things like music, classical music is a prime example, or pink floyd, even, how the music builds up and then releases at a critical point, which is truly beautiful. I'm not saying that only music like that works, all music is based on these concepts, whether in the smallest possible way, or the biggest. Simple pop songs subtley pull and release tension as we listen to them. And that's what makes it successful. It's out human nature to feel pleasure when tension is released. Every book, movie, song, or activity is simply all about just that. Tension. Human Nature. Sex.
I hope I've made just a bit of sense. I'll write later probably when I've organized my thoughts a bit.
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